The Da Vinci Contacts

•May 30, 2009 • 4 Comments

You probably already know that optometrists are evil. No creature that can put you through so much discomfort in a twenty minute timeframe could possibly be benevolent.

And they are also government agents.

My 22 hours of research has led me to the undeniable conclusion that optometrists are agents hired by the government to impair our vision and track us through their most insidious device: Contact lenses. It is high time that somebody put a Popsicle stick in this creature’s rancid mouth and ordered it to say “ahh.”

75% of American adults wear contacts or glasses. This means that at least 168.5 million Americans regularly see an optometrist. And these are just the ones that conveniently have something “wrong” with their vision.

The Uso de los Antoios (Spanish for “Optometrist Satanic Bible”) was written by Benito Daza de Valdes in 1623, but glasses were first invented by the Egyptians in the 8th Centuy B.C., presumably to appease the aliens that were helping them build the pyramids at the time. What followed was several thousand generations of awkward and uncomfortable headgear and classroom mocking.

Leonardo Da Vinci sketched the first ideas for contact lenses in 1508. Just like with his other paintings, such as The Last Supper, Da Vinci incorporated many hidden clues in his works to inform, and in this case, his sketches reveal the first plans for government domination over our eyes. In an interview with Harvard symbologist Robert Sangdon, I learned just how Da Vinci accomplished this.

“Da Vinci’s sketches,” Sangdon says, “appear just like any other doodle when you first look at them. However, if you apply a small swab of wine to the parchment and hold it up to the sun during a solar eclipse, you see a new pattern. This pattern appears to be some sort of Renaissance Era tracking device embedded in the lenses themselves.

“It appears very obvious that Da Vinci was trying to create a method of tracking for the Catholic Church to hunt down and execute heretics, but what really happened is Da Vinci was trying to create a way to warn the heretics of approaching crusaders so they could escape. It was an ingenious double-edged sword.”

Despite Da Vinci’s attempts, however, the government rejected his design. That is, until 1887, when F.A. (which obviously stands for “Federal Agent”) Muller invented the very first glass contact lenses.

And so began a whole new axis of evil and deception.

People quickly (and predictably) decided that putting the glass directly in your eye was preferable to the humiliation of wearing them on your head, so contact lenses became amazingly popular amongst the public, but there was a snag in the government’s plan: the heavy glass lenses could only be tolerated for a few hours at most. So the government employed the help of William Feinbloom in 1936 to create lighter, more tolerable plastic lenses. These lenses were perfected in the 60’s, but they remained uncomfortable in many wearers, allowing the government to only track a small percentage of the population.

So Otto Wichterle created a softer, more comfortable lens. That lens is still used today in the form of small, ultra-comfy plastic.

Plastic of doom, that is.

When an optometrist prescribes contacts, they have the person put them on in front of them under the false pretense of “seeing if they’re comfortable enough with contacts to put them on.” But the real reason why this is is so they know that the microscopic tracking device is implanted. The patient is now comfortable with invisible contact lenses rather than embarrassing glasses, and so wears the contacts all the time, everywhere he goes.

Just what the government wants.

But wait! It doesn’t end there. When a contact lens “accidentally” slips behind the eye (what really happens is the nanotechnology embedded in contacts comes to life and moves the lens across your eyeball), it sends a signal to your brain, effectively controlling the patient. With the ever-growing popularity of contact lenses, we will see more and more drones of the government as their agents, the optometrists, activate their mind-control devices.

You may be wondering, “But, Doctor, how can I avoid such an odious fate?” Well, the prescription for that is simple: avoid the optometrists at all costs. As I said before, every single person who wears glasses or contacts has seen an optometrist at least once int heir lifetime.

Do you honestly think that’s a coincidence?!

Optometrists always place some eye drops in your eye, but do they ever tell you what they are or what they’re for? No! And the reason for that is because these eye drops impair your vision, effectively forcing you to get glasses, which will be discouraged by the appeal of contact lenses. The optometrist then perform tests that involve shining lights into your eyes (harming the retinas even further under the pretense of healthcare) in order to detect your brain patterns; perfectly fitting the lenses for your eyes and your mind.

There you have it: the frightening and true evil history of optometry has all lead up to the invention and perfection of tracking devices known to the populace as “contact lenses.” And they almost got away with it.

But do not just believe me. Do your own research, and decide for yourself: Should you believe this contagious conspiracy, or should you accept the medicine of Truth and help stop the government from controlling your brain? YOU DECIDE!

The Doctor is In

•May 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Welcome to my office of knowledge. Have a seat. Relax. Let me pull out your chart.

. . .Hmm. . . .it says here that you have a history of gullibility, naivete and innocence. Common symptoms include believing everything that is told to you by the mass media, a lack of willingness to do research on government claims, and inhibited freethought. Common causes are poor education, peer pressure and alien brainwashing. There is a genetic predisposition to these illnesses.

This pandemic of ignorance is spreading faster than ever before, my friend, and there is only one cure:


I am Dr. Truth, M.D., Ph.D., Psy.D., AD.D., and every other D. you can conceive of (and several that you can’t). I am here to write an overpriced prescription of knowledge, truth and wisdom. But be warned: these pills can be hard to swallow.

My diagnosis of your condition: Kept in the Dark Syndrome. All your poor, miserable life you have been fed lies like mashed potatoes from your government, your media, and even your schools. It may take years of therapeutic counseling to fix the damage, but fear not, for I never ignore a patient unless he is without the insurance of sense. So if you’re ready for your physical examination, take a deep breath, drop your pants, bend over and we shall begin.